I'm extremely sad because it just set in that Tara is actually moving to RI on Sunday and I'm not even going to be able to see her before she leaves. This blows. I love how my never ending job and lack of transportation is alienating me from those I actually do care about.

I also talked to Laura today for the first time in forever, which actually made me really happy. She and I often go a while without talking and catch up every now and again. I'm pretty sure she works almost as much as I do, so it's hard for our schedules to ever coincide. Hopefully she and I will be able to meet up sometime though. I miss movie nights!

I'm so sad that I won't be going to school again. Even though I hate school and it is the bane of my existence financially and mentally, I was really looking forward to transferring to Paier. I miss having a million and one art classes with Melissa! lol I wish I had taken pics of our zombie mural in the ND art storage closet thing.

I can't wait to go up to UCONN to visit Matt and all his friends on Wednesday/Thursday! =) Even though I think UCONN is a cesspool and I despise every single hollister clone which inhabits that vicinity.

I just woke up thinking it was a little before 7 and started getting ready for work. I picked my phone up off my bed like I always do on my way to the bathroom to do my make up. And now I feel extremely dumb because I hadn't even been sleeping for an hour and a half when I woke up thinking I had gotten a near complete night's rest. Funny how your mind plays tricks on you like that. A moment ago I was completely alert and ready for the day. Now, I couldn't be more exhausted. Insomnia and retail... slowly eroding my soul.

I love looking back at this crazy thing we call life. The nostalgia carefully combines the feelings of laughter and nausea. Of course there are those memories that beautifully overcome any feelings of doubt or remorse. You find that you've loved your life... your whole life in its entirety, accepting both the good and the bad which came along with it. For those times you shared, people you encountered, and the lives which changed create who we are as individuals. Clever, spontaneous, well-rounded. Regardless of the adjectives used, it is our own experiences and our own decisions which define us as people.

Before long, you find yourself sucked in... this reminiscent black hole. It grabs hold of you so subtly, so treacherously. You then find yourself looking back on new memories of memories of even more memories. This repeated discretion of wasting time is the greatest escape, if only for a moment, leaving one so blissfully smitten.

I am currently undergoing a spiritual detox. No more cigarettes, no more booze, no more credit card, and minimal caffeine. I find it kind of amusing that out of all those things, the only one that has really been giving me any trouble at all is caffeine. I am preparing my body and mind for the journey next year with Matt and Dave=) I have never been more anxious about anything in my whole life! And I'm so happy that it has become a legitimate plan now. Just hit the road, leave the bullshit, smoke weed, take pics, write a book... All the components for my ideal happiness. I won't have to worry about money because its importance and my dependence on it will minimize and hopefully will eventually dissipate. I won't have to worry about disappointment and being let down by people I hold in high esteem because everyone will be single-serving. Matt and Dave really are the only people I can rely on because they believe more strongly than I do in everything for which this trip stands. I am completely prepared for whatever hardships that may arise and I actually do hope many arise. Seriously, after the past few months, I feel like I have evolved into a completely different person. I can only imagine what growth this coming journey has in store.

I found a used digital SLR on amazon for a pretty good price. I think I'll be able to get it in a couple paychecks, so I'm pretty fucking stoked on it! I also started outlining for my book so hopefully I can start that soon too! I feel like yesterday's episode was great motivation to do better and live better and just completely detach myself from all things which infect my life with nonsense and negativity.

I am completely and utterly alone...

I'm slowly pushing away everyone only semi-important to me. Because I know the less attachments I have, the easier it will be to leave. I feel like I'm always so caught up in the superficial closeness people create with each other. I don't even know if I truly have any best friends. I don't even know if I truly have any friends at all. I feel slightly sociopathic when I admit that I don't remember having any sort of interpersonal relationships with people without their serving some sort of purpose to me. Whether it be physically or emotionally, I've always had a use for you. I have only seldom cared enough about a person who wasn't in my immediate family to find myself being so fervently turned otherwise. So slowly these past nineteen years have revealed but one constant truth: I have never had, nor will I ever have anyone I can rely on. Every friend, lover, stranger, and acquaintance has regrettably left an emblazoned impression of complete disdain and abandonment on my life. Perhaps, I hold such high standards of living that no one is ever good enough, or appreciates life well enough, or appreciates me enough... Perhaps, I too have fallen so short of those standards, that I have decidedly begun to push away all those who I believe are simply delaying my pursuit of unadulterated happiness.

I feel like there aren't enough words in the dictionary. There aren't enough places to see or discover. The days are far too short... and life is constantly leaving me so dissatisfied. My inconsistencies are the only thing separating me from this damned, monotonous world. They are my only hope.

I watched this really awesome movie last night called Into the Wild. It was very enlightening. And, in a way, it really helped me put some things into perspective. Or maybe it just made me want to run away from all my problems and become a recluse in the Alaskan wilderness. The main character, Chris McCandless or Alexander Supertramp, is played by the same guy who played the main character in The Girl Next Door, another great movie. I was very impressed by his acting abilities in Into the Wild, though. Towards the end, Chris becomes extremely emaciated because he is on the verge of starvation and it was pretty intense.

But besides basic film appreciation, there was something in that movie that really jogged my mind. It was a quote said by an old man who Chris met out in the desert somewhere. He says, "...when you forgive, you love. And when you love, God's light shines through you." It really got me to thinking because God knows that I want him to shine through me MORE THAN ANYONE. hahah no really though, I felt very nostalgic upon hearing this quote. I thought about my vindictive nature and all the people who would need my forgiving in order for me to bear God's great light. Even with my cynical attitude and grudges against the world, could it be possible for me to love? No. Apparently not. You know why? Because even if I forgave every single person who has ever wronged me on this earth, I will never forgive Him. I truly believe that God is the ultimate bastard unto us all. He is just a great, big, tyrannous asshole who thinks that he can pick and choose who feels the sun. God is a dictator. He has this grand following of brainwashed people thinking they must envelop their lives with meaningless rituals and drown themselves in empty morals. They sacrifice an hour a week to recite ancient poems and eat wafers and donate a measly 5 bucks to fall in the Lord's good graces. And some old guy prances around in robes pretending to feel the power of God. When he holds that chalice up to the sky, he feels the presence of God no more than a paraplegic feels a handshake. I feel numb to this game, and I'm tired of playing. I don't think God's light could ever shine through me simply because I cannot forgive Him. Just as I might never forgive myself for my subtle masochism. I guess you could call me an idealist.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here. The other day I had another episode and I wandered around Hartford incoherently in hopes that I would get jumped and/or abducted, like so many have told me is my inevitable doom. I don't even know why I bother trying to see the good in people... why I bother trying to see the good in myself. I talk about my life as if I'm trying so hard towards some sort of self righteous uprising. But it seems the more I try to succeed, the more burden I place upon myself and those who care about me. I feel selfish for trying to progress. Most people start at ground zero and work their way up to make something of their lives. I, on the other hand, have been dwelling in negative space and am fighting to get to ground zero. It all just seems so pathetic.

Some days when I have time between trying to catch the bus to school or work or home, I sit and lose myself in daydreams. What would it be like to be like her? I just sit and think. Sometimes about people, other times about weird stuff. Like what if I just gave up? What would become of me? Would things even change that much? I don't know. I sit there and take a drag from my cigarette and absorb the scenery.

I think the best days are the somewhat cloudy autumn days. It's warm enough to wear a light sweater, but still chilly enough in the shade to get goosebumps. One time I was sitting on a bench waiting for the bus just thinking about where this road would really be taking me... when all of a sudden, the trees above me seemed to open up. I felt the warm sun upon my face and the wind blew hard enough so that the dead golden leaves fluttered around me with life. And for some reason, it made me happy.

Perhaps it gave me hope...

I boarded the bus and went to work.